Flowahy Cookin’

This website moved Sunday, Feb. 10, to a new address - http://www.folo.us. 

To begin . . .

FROZEN PISCO SOURS

Pisco is South America’s answer to grappa, a wallop-packing grape brandy over claims to whose provenance Peru and Chile may come to blows at any minute. I was introduced to it in Peru, so for me, that settles it. Here’s how to make a blenderful of Pisco sours, which will go rather farther than you may expect in inducing partay-tude. Note that this calls for Key lime juice — not from Persian limes (the dark-green usual) but from those half-dollar-size globes with the yellow peel just touched with green. If your store doesn’t stock them, it probably has the bottled juice. Anyhow, these little numbers do wonders in drinks, entrees, and of course (!) the signed-into-law-by-Jebbie-hisseff-TA-DAAA: Florida State Pie.

1 egg white — blend at high speed; add
8 tablespoons sugar — blend; add
1/2 bottle Pisco
1/2 - 3/4 cup lemon juice, with a taste of Key lime juice
[equivalent of] 1 tray of ice cubes
BLEND WELL

Serve in juice-size glasses, garnishing each with a drift of cinnamon and a splash of Angostura bitters.

Serves 3-4 drinkers 2 rounds (and that’s ALL they should risk).

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Melissa Kronenthal’s Saganaki with Sautéed Grapes

*** In an exception to folo LLC’s claim of copyright elsewhere on this page***, I droolingly reprint, with Melissa’s permission, the recipe accompanying her sometimes-spine-tingling travel yarn at travelerslunchbox.com, Cretan Holiday — and if you think this recipe sounds good, just wait’ll you see her photo of it!

Here’s her introduction . . .

I’ll be honest: I don’t think I let a single meal go by in Greece without ordering saganaki. Technically a meze (and thus often part of a large spread), I always ate it on its own as an appetizer; I mean really, what better than fried cheese to get the digestive juices flowing? When I make it myself I usually use feta since that’s what I have available here; if you can find kasseri or kefalotyri, though, they’re actually much more authentic. As for the grapes, well, that’s my innovation - I think their tart sweetness perfectly compliments the rich salty cheese. Serve it as an appetizer, a party snack (in which case you can cut the cheese into smaller pices before dredging, and skewer each piece with a grape on a toothpick), or even as a light meal with some salad and bread.
Serves: 2 (or more)

7 oz (200g) sheep’s milk feta, kasseri or kefalotyri cheese, in one piece
cornstarch
freshly-ground black pepper
4 tablespoons olive oil
1/2 lb. (225g) red or black seedless table grapes
lemon wedges

Cut the cheese into approximately 1/2-inch (1cm) slices (if using a 7 oz. block of packaged feta, split the block down the middle so you have two slices half the thickness of the original block). On a plate, combine some cornstarch (about 1/3 cup maybe) with a generous amount of freshly-ground black pepper. Set aside.

In a heavy-bottomed skillet, heat one tablespoon of the oil over medium-high heat. When hot, add the grapes and sauté, stirring occasionally, until completely soft, about 7-8 minutes. Remove with a slotted spoon to a bowl. Add the remaining three tablespoons of oil to the skillet and place back on the heat.

Run one piece of cheese under the tap and shake off the excess water (be gentle though so as not to break the cheese). Dredge it on all sides in the cornstarch, then quickly place it in the hot pan. Let it develop a nice brown crust on the bottom side, about 2-3 minutes, then flip and fry it on the other side. Using a spatula, transfer it to a clean plate. Repeat with the other piece(s) of cheese (or do them simultaneously, if your pan is big enough).

To serve, top each piece of cheese with some sautéed grapes and a lemon wedge. Serve immediately.

[lotus's note: I slipped some pecan halves in to sauté with the grapes, which certainly didn't hurt matters a-tall.]

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PALM BEACH POST GROUPER
(Parmesan baked grouper with tomato/basil/white wine sauce)

A good friend who retired from the Palm Beach Post and moved to Oklahoma says the thing she misses most about her old job is this dish, concocted by the Post’s chef and served in the employee cafeteria. He shared the recipe with my friend, who sent it along to me. Those to whom I’ve served it have sworn, to a one, that it’s the best thing they’ve ever tasted. I’m inclined to agree.

For fish:
2 filets of grouper or other firm, white-fleshed fish
flour for coating
2 eggs, well-beaten
1 - 1 1/2 cups seasoned Italian breadcrumbs mixed with 1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese

Coat fish with flour, dip in egg to coat well. Coat well with breadcrumbs (you’ll have extra) and refrigerate.

For sauce:
1 large tomato, diced
1 small onion, diced
2 sprigs fresh basil, chopped
2 large cloves garlic, minced
1/2 cup lemon or Key lime juice
1/2 cup white wine
salt and pepper to taste
1/2 cup butter, softened

Combine all sauce ingredients except butter in small saucepan. Heat slowly and cook until bottom of pan is just wet (don’t let it burn).

Heat oven to 350. When sauce is nearly done, heat an oven-proof skillet over medium heat and add butter or olive oil for sauteeing fish. Brown both sides of fish (do not attempt to cook it - you’re just browning), place skillet in oven, and bake fish uncovered for 8-10 minutes (if using thermometer, fish should reach 140 internal temperature).

As fish bakes, gradually add butter to the reduction, stirring CONSTANTLY or sauce will break. Once all butter is incorporated and sauce is smooth, keep warm to pour over fish.

When fish is done, place each filet on a warmed plate, spoon sauce over fish, and serve hot.

Serves 2.

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STUFFED ZUCCHINI (KOLOKITHAKIA PAPOUTSAKIA)

Awright, zucchini. Love the stuff, and the very best zucchini dish I ever ate was on Crete. Later in Athens I bought the cookbook that’s become my favorite of the many I own, Chrissa Paradissis’ The Best Book of Greek Cookery, 2nd Ed. (Athens: Efstathiadis Bros., 1972), because its recipe for stuffed zukes is the one I found to be closest to those served me on that hotel verandah in Heraklion.

Here is my adaptation:

2 1/2 lbs. medium-sized zucchini
1 small onion, chopped finely
1/2 cup butter
1 tablespoon salt
1/4 teaspoon pepper
1 cup grated cheese (any mild one)
1 1/2 cups fresh breadcrumbs
3 eggs
2 tablespoons chopped parsley
1 cup bechamel sauce

BECHAMEL SAUCE
2 tablespoons butter
3 tablespoons flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon pepper
dash of nutmeg (optional)
1 cup milk

Melt butter over a low heat; sift in flour and add salt, pepper, and nutmeg; stir until well blended. Remove from heat. Gradually stir in milk and return to heat. Cook, stirring constantly, until thick and smooth. Makes 1 cup.

Scrub and wash the zucchini and cut off ends. Cook whole with one tablespoon salt in boiling water for about 8 to 10 minutes; drain.

Cut an inch-wide strip from one end to the other of each zuke; arrange in baking pan. With a teaspoon, carefully remove centers and chop into smail pieces.

Heat 1/4 cup butter in a small saucepan and saute onion till tender. Add chopped zucchini centers and cook for about 5 minutes. Add breadcrumbs, 2 eggs, pepper, 1/2 cup cheese, parsley, and 1/2 teaspoon salt. Pile mixture into zucchini shells.

Preheat oven to 350. Make bechamel sauce, stir in 4 tablespoons cheese and 1 beaten egg. Cover stuffed zucchini with sauce, dot with remaining butter, and sprinkle with remaining cheese. Bake uncovered at 350 for about 30 minutes, or until brown on top. Serves 4.

Stuffed zucchini with meat: Prepare as above, but omit 1 cup breadcrumbs. Saute the onion with 1/2 lb. minced meat.

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SOUTHERN-FRIED OKRA

1 lb fresh okra pods, stems trimmed, pods sliced into 1/3-inch rounds
1/2 cup mixture of equal parts white cornmeal and flour OR 1/2 cup seafood-breading or tempura mix
salt and pepper to taste
2 tablespoons peanut oil

Heat your largest black-iron skillet to medium high. In colander, rinse okra rounds under running water, then shake colander to knock off excess water. Salt and pepper okra and shake. With colander still in sink, shake 1/2 of breading over okra, shake to agitate, and add more breading if needed.

Place enough peanut oil in hot skillet to make a thin film on bottom. Place one layer of okra in skillet and cook undisturbed for a few minutes, until downsides begin to blacken. Stir okra occasionally until all sides are crispy and have blackened spots. If pan is small and you need to cook more than one batch, place finished okra on paper towel-covered pan in 200-degree oven or toaster-oven to keep warm until all okra is finished. Serve hot.

Serves 2-3.

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MAMA BROOK’S CORNBREAD

There are two theories of cornbread, my family’s and the wrong. The wrong includes sugar. Here is what cornbread, as opposed to corncake, involves:

1 egg, beaten
1 cup buttermilk
1 cup white cornmeal
1 teaspoon each baking powder and baking soda, sifted into mixture with
1 tablespoon flour
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon bacon drippings

Put bacon drippings (or peanut oil, if you must) into cold black-iron skillet and place in cold oven. Turn oven to 450 F. Combine other ingredients. When oven reaches 450 and fat is smoking, pour excess from skillet into batter, stir well, pour batter into hot pan, and get the oven door closed again fast. Bake at 450 about 20 minutes, until cornbread is nicely browned on top. As soon as it’s out of the oven, use a fork to flip pone upside down and prop it against the side of the pan for just a few minutes. Serve hot with plenty of butter. The bacon drippings and black-iron skillet make for a crust you can’t beat.

(This recipe makes a nice 7-8″ skilletful; I double it for the seashell-shaped muffins my good old Williams-Sonoma muffin pan produces. Whether pone or muffins, black iron is essential.)

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GRILLED OKRA

1 lb. fresh okra, stems trimmed
1-2 tablespoons good olive oil
juice of half a lemon
salt and freshly-ground black pepper to taste

(This is also great for asparagus.) Marinate okra pods in oil, lemon juice, and seasonings for at least 30 minutes. Grill over a slow fire for a few minutes, turning to brown all sides – minor charring won’t hurt, but don’t blacken them entirely.

Serve hot to 2-3.

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THE ROTISSERIE’S COMEBACK SAUCE
(recipe courtesy of MSlawyer)

Well, we were all sitting around here at folo one Sunday afternoon when, as will happen among Mississippians, the topic of good eatin’ arose — more specifically, the topic of a local delicacy known as comeback sauce. And then MSlawyer (who hails from Jackson, where there once was a place in Five Points called The Rotisserie, renowned for its comeback sauce) up and says:

My daddy got this recipe from them right before they shut down the place. It is in his cookbook that he printed before he died in 1987. Here goes.

1 cup mayonnaise
1/4 cup ketchup
1/4 cup Heinz chili sauce
2 tablespoons water
3 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
dash of Tabasco sauce (or more to taste)
1 teaspoon black pepper
2 cloves garlic, peeled
1 teaspoon paprika
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
1/2 cup salad oil (I use canola)

Put all ingredients except salad oil into blender-container. Blend. With blender running, add oil in a steady stream. Keep leftovers refrigerated.

This allegedly righteouses-up just about everything but is especially good for dunkin’ fried dill pickles in, doncha know. (I also hear tell of chopped lettuce and lump crabmeat as a worthy substrate.)

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BAMIA RIVERBEND

Long ago on Baghdad Burning, Riverbend blogged about her favorite Iraqi foods, mentioning something called Bamia. Intrigued, I Googled around and found several recipes from various places in the Middle East. Because they were different enough to confuse me, I emailed two or three to Riverbend, asking whether they were close to her family’s. She replied:

Yes, those are similar, but here’s how we do it. First, we saute 4 or 5 pieces of garlic in corn oil, then we add the okra - whole - only the heads are chopped off. The okra and garlic are sauteed a little bit longer with about a cup of shredded tomatoes, then the cooked veal or beef is added (a few small pieces at most) and about two cups of broth. The whole mix is allowed to simmer for about 5 minutes. About 3 tablespoons of tomato paste is added with some black pepper and salt and the whole thing is covered and allowed to cook over low heat for around 20 minutes. You must be sure to turn it off before the okra gets mushy. Serve with rice. It’s a favorite food here … just amazing. Riverbend.

Ah yes, there are many roads to Bamia in the Middle East, some crossing the stovetop, others entering the oven. One version I found calls for a teaspoon apiece of coriander and cumin, with a tablespoon of tamarind pods (soaked in water then drained) added toward the end of cooking. An Egyptian one, oven-baked and featuring 3 tablespoons apiece of plain yogurt and sour cream, calls for garnishing with thin slices of tomato and lemon. Well, I diddled around on my own a bit and finally came up with this version (because I especially love Greek flavors, I zing it up with dill and mint instead of coriander and cumin, but suit yourself as to savory spices or herbs):

1 lb ground beef (I use sirloin)
1 large onion, chopped
4 good-sized cloves garlic, minced
2 medium to large tomatoes, peeled, seeded and diced (or one 14.5-oz can)
3 tablespoons tomato paste (add a pinch of sugar to cut the acid)
1 lb whole fresh okra pods, stalks trimmed just above pod
1 14-oz can low-sodium beef broth
1 tablespoon dried dill weed
1 tablespoon dried mint flakes
salt and coarsely-ground black pepper to taste
olive oil for browning beef

Heat a large skillet or other stovetop pan on a burner set to medium high, add a tablespoon or two of olive oil to pan, and brown beef (do this in batches to avoid overcrowding). Remove beef from pan and set aside. Lower heat to medium-low, add onion and garlic, and cook a few minutes, stirring occasionally, until onion softens. Return beef to pan, add remaining ingredients, and stir to mix well. Cover pan and let cook over medium-low heat until okra is fork-tender but not mushy, about 20-25 minutes, stirring once or twice. Serve over hot rice with salad and hot crusty bread.

Serves 4.

P.S. If you’d like to learn more tasty Iraqi cuisine (with a good big side of Iraq’s cultural history), I suggest Nawal Nasrallah’s Delights from the Garden of Eden.

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SYRIAN SALAD

Passed along by a friend who’s lived in the Middle East a good bit. Talk about yum!

In order, add to salad bowl:

Salt (kosher or sea salt, if you’ve got it) to cover bottom of bowl
Dried mint (shot-glass 3/4 full, crushed)
Garlic (5-6 cloves, minced then mashed into the salt to form a paste)
Olive oil (2-3 tablespoons)
Lemon juice (1 1/2 lemons)
Tomatoes (as many as you want, quartered then marinated in refrigerated bowl for at least an hour)
Iceberg lettuce (torn into bitesize pieces and added just before serving)
Serves 4.

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BAKED SUMMER VEGETABLES

1 lb. zucchini
1 lb. eggplant
1 lb. potatoes, peeled (or not, if you use little new ones)
2 onions, sliced
2 green peppers, seeded
1 1/2 lbs. tomatoes
1 1/2 cups olive oil
Salt and pepper
Parsley, chopped (or dill and mint and plenty of ‘em)

Scrape and wash zucchini. Slice all vegetables in 1/2-inch pieces. Arrange in large baking pan. Add olive oil and one cup hot water. Sprinkle with salt, pepper and parsley. Cover and bake in 350 oven for 1 1/2 hours. Uncover for the last 30 minutes. Serves 4-5 (generously).

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SPINACH SALAD

Dressing:
1/2 cup good olive oil
1/4 cup red wine vinegar
1 large clove garlic, smashed
1 teaspoon dry mustard
1 teaspoon salt
freshly-ground black pepper to taste

Combine all ingredients in sealable jar, shake well, and let sit to get ‘em well acquainted

Salad:
1 package fresh spinach, rinsed under running water and spun or patted dry, stemmed and torn into bite-size pieces if need be
half a medium red onion, sliced into rings as thinly as possible (cut slices into quarters if desired)
10-12 button mushrooms, sliced into quarters (if large, into sixths) and marinated a few minutes in lemon juice
1 can of mandarin oranges, drained
1 package of sliced almonds, toasted in a slow oven for a few minutes, until they color a bit

Pile spinach in bottom of salad bowl, other ingredients on top, with almonds last. Don’t toss or apply dressing until at table, or all the goodies will fall to the bottom and get soggy too quickly. You’ll have leftover dressing.

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GRITS A YA-YA

A food-editor friend sent me this recipe, being very mysterious about the ultimate source. All credit to whoever that is . . .

8 strips bacon, diced
1 Tbsp. garlic, minced
1 Tbsp. shallots, minced
3 Tbsp. butter
White wine
1 lb. peeled and deveined jumbo shrimp
1 portabello mushroom cap, sliced
1/4 cup diced scallions
2 cups chopped fresh spinach
2 cups heavy cream
3 cups smoked gouda cheese grits (recipe follows)
Salt, pepper and hot sauce to taste

Heat a large saucepan over medium heat. Add bacon and cook for about 3 minutes, then add garlic and shallots. Sauté and then add butter and a splash of white wine. When the butter is half melted, add the shrimp. When the downsides of the shrimp become white, flip them and add mushrooms, scallions and spinach. Sauté for 2 minutes. Remove the shrimp. Pour in the heavy cream and let simmer while stirring. When reduced by one third, add salt, pepper and hot sauce to taste. Return shrimp to the sauce and combine. Spoon the sauce and shrimp onto heaping mounds of cheese grits.

Serves 4

Smoked Gouda Cheese Grits:

Bring 1 qt. chicken stock and 2 qts. heavy cream to a boil. Add 1 lb. grits and cook on high heat for 5 minutes stirring rapidly. Add 1/4 lb. butter and cook on low heat for 10 minutes. Add 1 lb. diced smoked gouda cheese. Stir to incorporate to smooth consistency.

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GREEK STEAK SOUP

This recipe is adapted from (my falling-apart copy of) Chrissa Paradissis’ The Best Book of Greek Cookery, 2nd Ed. (Athens: Efstathiadis Bros., 1972).

3 cups V-8 or tomato juice
2 cups water
1/4 cup butter
1 teaspoon salt (I use garlic salt)
1/4 - 1/2 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
1 tablespoon each, dried dill and mint
1 medium onion, diced
1/2 cup rice
1 lb. ground beef (I use sirloin)

In a large, heavy saucepan, bring juice, water, butter, and seasonings to a rolling boil. Stir in onion and rice and crumble in ground beef. Stir well, return mixture to boil, then reduce heat to medium-low and cover. Simmer for 35-45 minutes and serve hot. Serves 4-5.

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MISSISSIPPI SQUASH CASSEROLE

1 - 11/2 lbs yellow squash, tops & bottoms trimmed, sliced into 1/4-1/2″ thick coins
1 large onion (preferably Vidalia), chopped
1/2 stick (1/4 lb) butter
2 eggs
1/2 package saltines (about 30)
salt and plenty of pepper (preferably fresh-ground)
optional: 1/2 green bell pepper, chopped small and sauteed a few minutes

Turn oven on to 350.

Cover the squash and onions with water in a deep saucepan, bring to a boil, and cook until vedge is soft (5-10 minutes). Drain well and let cool a minute or two.

Melt the butter and pour it into a casserole dish (or do it the lazy way: place it on the burner that vents your oven); anyhow, make sure the dish is greased to the top all around.

Break the eggs into the buttered dish and beat slightly.

Place the saltines in a sealable plastic bag and, with a rolling pin or heavy can, smash them to nearly powder.

When vedge is well drained, dump it, half the saltines, salt and pepper, and bell pepper (if any) into the casserole and give everything a vigorous mash/mix with a potato-masher. Sprinkle remaining cracker crumbs on top.

Bake until nicely puffed and golden (30-45 minutes).

Mighty-good peasant food, I guar ron tee.

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ZUKE-ONION-DILL QUICHE

1 unbaked pie shell
1 lb zucchini, sliced into thin coins
1 medium onion, sliced thin or chopped
4 eggs
2 C light cream
1 C shredded cheese (Jack, Swiss, mozzarella — whatever you prefer)
dried dillweed, salt, and freshly-ground black pepper to taste

Preheat oven to 425. Saute zukes and onion in a little butter until tender (5-10 minutes), drain a little, and spread evenly in pie shell. Beat eggs, mix in cream and seasonings, fold in cheese, and pour over vedge. Bake 15 minutes at 425, then 30 minutes at 300 or until center is set and knife inserted in middle comes out clean. Let cool a few minutes and serve warm with a nice green salad and wine.

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ASPARAGUS WRAPPED IN CRISP PROSCIUTTO

Yippee! Good ol’ Pfiff has celebrated asparagus season in Germany by sending me a ver’ tempting recipe . . .

Total time: 20 minutes

Servings: 4 to 6 appetizer servings

Note: This extremely simple recipe is a combination of two old favorites: basic roast asparagus and steamed asparagus wrapped in prosciutto. The contrast between the soft asparagus and the crisp prosciutto is delicious. Serve this with iced Champagne and plenty of napkins to wipe asparagus juice from your fingers.

1 pound asparagus, medium thickness (about 16 spears)
1/2 pound prosciutto, sliced medium-thin, about 16 slices from the smaller end
1 tablespoon olive oil

1. Heat the oven to 450 degrees. Cut off the bottom 1 to 1 1/2 inches of the asparagus spears and, if the spears are thick, peel them. Wrap a slice of prosciutto around each spear spiraling upward, with the fatty stripe of the ham at the bottom so it creates a barber pole effect up the spear.

2. Line a jellyroll pan with aluminum foil and smear it lightly with the olive oil. Arrange the wrapped spears in the pan and place in the oven. After 5 minutes, shake the pan vigorously to turn the spears. Roast another five minutes and shake again. Roast until the asparagus is very tender and the prosciutto is somewhat crisp, about 15 minutes total. Serve immediately.

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CLAUDINE’S CARROTS IN ORANGE GLAZE

2 tablespoons butter or oleo
2 tablespoons brown sugar
2 tablespoons honey
2 teaspoons orange zest
dash salt & pepper
1 lb. (about 3 cups) baby carrots (or 6 medium ones thinly bias-sliced)

In saucepan, melt butter then stir in brown sugar, honey, orange zest, salt & pepper. Add carrots and cook uncovered for 10 minutes or until crisp tender. I prepare them about an hour before dinner so they can season well, then reheat for serving. Serves 4.

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MATTYE GREENE’S SHRIMP CREOLE

Okay, here’s my momma’s Shrimp Creole, just as she wrote it (pre-reading definitely advised). I’m so everlasting glad that, the Christmas before what would prove to be her last, I sat her down with a pen and a stack of index cards and DEMANDED recipes. Now when I see her handwriting, it’s like she’s standing there in the kitchen with me again, talking about “srimp” without the aitch.

2 T. Olive or Wesson Oil
2 (medium sized) chopped onions
1 chopped green Pepper
1 can (small) Tomato Paste (Be sure it’s Paste & not Tomato Sauce!)
2 T. Flour
2 t. sugar - 2 t. salt
1 C. water

Saute onion in Oil for 4 or 5 min - then add Pepper and saute a little longer. Don’t overcook, because the green Pepper is better if it’s not mushy. Sprinkle flour over and stir - Add T. Paste, then water, stirring till thickened. Simmer another C. of water with 2 or 3 T. Shrimp spice (preferably Rex Crab & Shrimp Boil) for a few minutes. Do this before you start sauteing so it will be ready by the time you need it. Strain and add to Sauce and cook a minute or two longer - just till thickened to right consistency.

Bring water to a boil - enough to cover Shrimp. Add salt (a tablespoon or so). Simmer 1 1/2 lbs. shelled Shrimp in salted water for 6 to 8 minutes. Drain Shrimp and add to Sauce. Serve over Boiled Rice.

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KIWI - STRAWBERRY TART

An easy-to-make, refreshing dessert for all seasons (in December here in lotusland, it goes by “Christmas Lights Tart”).

Pastry for one 9-inch pie
1 1/2 cups whipping cream
1/2 cup sugar
3 egg yolks
1 teaspoon vanilla or (better yet) 2 tablespoons Cointreau
1 1/2 to 2 cups whole fresh strawberries, stemmed
1 kiwifruit, peeled and sliced into thin discs
1/4 cup apricot jam

Pre-heat oven to 425. Roll out pastry to 1/8-inch thickness; fit into a 9-inch false-bottomed tart pan. Cover bottom pastry with foil (c’mon, NOT the tinfoil from your hat — use fresh); cover foil with dried beans, rice or pie weights. Bake pastry shell at 425 until sides brown and puff away from pan (about 12 minutes). Remove weights and foil; cool pastry completely. Reduce oven heat to 325.

In a bowl beat egg yolks; add cream, sugar and vanilla or Cointreau; stir to combine. Pour mixture into cool pastry shell and bake at 325 until firm (about 35 minutes). Cool completely. Arrange strawberries, stem end down, around rim of tart; cover middle of tart with single layer of kiwi slices. Heat jam just until melted and brush over fruit with pastry brush.

To serve, lift tart from rim of pan and place on cake plate or pie stand; convey to table; graciously receive acclaim.

10-12 servings.

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THE TALE OF THE DASTARDLY DOUGH

Good morning, though I must say, I’m ‘wo out and ready for bed again. Just had me a kitchen adventure that I won’t be repeating.

You ever made yeast bread from scratch? I’m not a huge baker but do make my own pizza dough and, a few times a year, bread or rolls. So I kinda know my way around doughs, okay?

Well, the other day at the store I saw this box of Krusteaz bread mix that, according to the package, was to produce one loaf of “country white” bread. So okay, a couple of their other mixes (”play like you made it from scratch now that we’ve gathered all the ingredients for you”) had come out respectably enough for me, so I bought it. And this morning I woke up early and thought, “Okay, I’ll mix that sucka up and knead it some, and after it rises for an hour, I can have me a good hot loaf to sample for breakfast . . . ”

Bad. Plan.

All you hafta add is a cup of room-temp water, right? Then mix up the dough, knead for 12-15 minutes, and let it rise, right? Well, I thought this dough looked a leetle loose as I scraped it onto the floured kneading board of my granny’s baking table, but hey, you can always work in a skoosh more flour if it’s too gloppy, so no big. I mean, when you first start kneading, all dough is grabby, but keep at it, and after a few minutes it firms up into a nice smooth ball and stops being sticky.

So I plunged my hand-petals into this mass.

Oy.

Glue. Tar. Gum arabic. Gummiest gum in the world. Exxon Valdez. No Exit.

Unrelenting glop covers my hands top and bottom to halfway to my elbows, oozing and lopping this way and that, not letting go. Finally I get most of it up off the board and into the air where I can lift one hand then the other, stretching rather than kneading it (like a Vegas dealer riffling a deck of cards?) — anything to make it let go. Ten minutes, shoulders getting tired. Fifteen minutes, no improvement in my stuckedness, shoulders screaming, nothing else I can do, nothing else I can touch, nowhere else to put this monster, stretch stretch stretch, glop glop glop. I can’t even stop moving my hands cause it’ll just glop over onto more of me. Twenty minutes, 30 minutes, on the verge of tears cause I can’t get loose enough to grab a knife and gut myself. Eventually I’ll need to go to the bathroom this morning — then what? Here lies the flowah, kilt by gluten.

By now whimpering and just sick that I hadn’t at least turned on the radio for some company before starting this, I spied on the counter by the stove a piece of foil I hadn’t slicked up last night (thankyajeezus!). Staggered over to it and, with my last strength, lifted these mobbled mitts and let gravity take its course: the evil mass — much of it anyhow — plopped onto the foil. Cheers!

Got the tap turned on with my elbow and let that glorious water do its magic. Scrubbed my paw-petals nilly off, then hid the evildoer from human sight forever in a wrapup of foil and flang it inna the trash. Hosanna, this is pick-up day!

Maybe I’ll thaw a bagel. . . . …

But no — HAW! It’s rising in the trash —- pushing outta the foil and lifting the Krusteaz box I threw in on top of it!

Too bad, dough, apology not accepted. You da trash-truckers’ problem now. Just soon’s I get back enough strength enough to haul you downstairs . . .

At this point I’m just hoping the Dastardly Dough Episode really IS over. See, I dumped that trash bag headfirst into a larger one that I then took downstairs to dump into the rolling trashbin for the hauling service. On the second dumping, there was a real-heavy WHOP at the bottom of the bin.

Help me beseech the Universe not to have broken the big trashbag and let that menace loose in the bin that’s now been sitting out in the hot sun waiting for pickup for 4 hours . . .

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